it's been a while since i've posted much, so i thought i'd leave a message so you all would know i was alive, and hopefully get a laugh at the same time. this is an email message (actually two) that i sent out at work today after the sad theft of my last english muffin.
hope this finds you all well -
.jason
:::::::
_____________________________________________
From: Me (.j)
Sent: Monday, May 01, 2006 1:57 PM
To: pretty much the whole Indy office.
Operations Team
Subject: Indy people only: RE: Muffin snatcher at large.
Importance: Low
Wide audience... consider it a slightly-less-than-amber alert.
(AP) - Indianapolis
Refrigerator users beware - there is a muffin-snatcher (MS) on the
loose. The individuals identity is currently unknown, but this
reporter can shed light on the food-snatchers habits. The MS made off
with my last english muffin today sometime between 0730 and 1130 EDT,
which to me is not a big deal - as far as item value is concerned.
What perhaps is of larger concern is that the individual not only took
it without asking, but they 1) took the last muffin, 2) tore the
muffin through the top of the package, and 3) left the now empty
package in the LL (lower level) fridge. So it makes a person wonder -
who would be so lame as to steal a persons food, and not even be kind
enough to dispose of the trash/evidence after the fact?
This falls close on the heels of another (possibly the same bandit)
lifting a deck of COPAG playing cards left behind in the LL break room
in recent months.
...I wanted to go on and have more fun with this, as it is a silly
item by nature, but I do want to waste too much time (on all sides) in
the process.
To the point:
a) Please do not be lame.
b) Please do not take things that are not yours... if you would have
asked, I would have gladly given it to you (after warning you about
the mold growth on the one I ate this morning).
c) If you (whoever) has my cards, I'd love to have them back.
Otherwise, I'll shell out the $20 to get another deck shipped to me.
(again, not a lot of money, but financial impact is not the point
here.
d) Really. Please do not be lame.
There are so many great people here, I would hate for the majority of
us to have to change our fridge use patterns, over a few individuals.
I'm sure there might be some great reason for making off with other
peoples stuff (maybe making a tracheotomy tube out of a playing card
with the aid of tape?) but none could really come to mind.
I miss the times when we could rant freely on threads about whatever,
but we're too big for that now (and probably were even then). So feel
free to spam directly to me, or a smaller audience so I don't incur
the wrath of oh so many whose names will not be mentioned, or waste
too much company resource on the thread.
Thanks, and consider the individial(s) responsible for these crimes
silly and not likely to be armed...
.jason
Follow up email:
______________________________________________
From: Me (.j)
Sent: Monday, May 01, 2006 2:22 PM
To: pretty much the whole Indy office.
Subject: RE: Indy people only: RE: Muffin snatcher at large.
Importance: Low
FAQ/Compiled Comments to save time:
1. Q: Didn't you mean have, not has?
A: Yes. I meant "have" instead of "has" after "if you (whoever)"
in item C below. I knew I should have reread the whole thing before
sending.
2. Q: What the heck are COPAG cards, and why do they cost $20.00?
A: Like KEM cards - nice finish, made of plastic, but in a good
way. They last a lot longer (~30 years) than most decks under normal
use, and they had an additional set of aces in both sets (it's a
double-deck) that I use to play other card games...
http://www.copagcards.com
3. Q: Have you considered the possibility the the muffin was so
spoiled that it became animate and tore its way out of the package and
ran off? [sic]
A: I have, however - there were no signs of life, organs, or
structure other than that of a normal muffin in the one I consumed
this morning. Aside from the bit of mold I tore off.
4. No one has asked in email yet, but No, I didn't send out the cool
thin client muffin-snatcher-slightly-less-than-amber alert.
5. Q: You know, I didn't do it, but I would if it meant you sending a
muffin alert every time...
A: Nope. I'll probably be terminated for foolishness. This may be
my last email ;)
6. Statement/Warning:
[TS-type-person wrote:] "We had a big problem with this at [some
other company], until we left some nice cat food salad sandwiches and
[chocolate flavored laxative] chocolate chip cake. Once you steal cat
food and have a big dose of [chocolate flavored laxative] for desert
you think twice about stealing unknown items. What if the Muffin was
first used as a [toy to induce arousal in a sexual manner]!"
- note: I can say that it wasn't be me, but apparently - I don't
have much control of who uses my food. Now I really don't want to know
where the string cheese has been going.
Okay. I think that's all. Back to work for me, while I still have a
job :)