it's been done for a while, you know. we've been trying to make it work, but really just passing each other in the hallway - aware of each others presence but not really recognizing each others existence. it has become a lame excuse for keeping up with one another, as we peer at one another with voyeuristic eyes nodding to one another occasionally, but overall fading out of existence.
you seem to feel like *you* are the only important thing in this relationship and that you make the rules. well, that's fine, there's just one less person to play in your game.
don't worry, you probably won't notice. we've faded far enough from one another that the impact of my not being there will be less than the impact of CBS canceling "Swingtown"... oh, you watched that show? well, just one more reason.
so here we sit you and i.
a crossroad and i'll chose the one less traveled by
to look forward
to live in the now
to find who is there and who is not
and to see what you cannot.
i will live, and those that know me will know of it,
and for those that don't
i'll simply cease to exist.
not a bad proposition really.
i'll still be around,
just not here
in the cluttered
messy
dusty
attic
filled with memories and ghosts of the past.
so i leave you with
this.
my thoughts
my address
and a certain sense of freedom.
and should you seek to find me i will be found,
but should you seek merely to watch
and sit by
on autopilot
this is one stop the train will pass by
gliding along the rails of the internet
silently
running
and we will be better for it.
.jason
2.11.2010
9.25.2009
i will not sit idly by
i will not sit idly by as the dust
and grime
settles
in
the
gears.
tilting windmills cannot defeat me
my mind will be free and will try to make others free
i will ignore expectations, i will defy entitlement, i will watch
history with a close eye
and my representatives even closer.
we run amok, work the finger bones to nubs
all for a little play time.
we amass mass in a sad attempt to live like the pharaohs
remembered for eternity and envied for our materialism and infamy.
but i will break it.
i will break it down to the dust and make us take account of our
actions as we build
again
but slowly
and only what we need.
i will not rest easily, and i will not stop for death.
i will put my ideas in the places they live forever so that
if i fail
and if i do not
i will remind those that stumble across them in dusty
and dark spaces
so they will be pulled away from the musty air
to a place where they will stand by my side
survey their life and the world around them
and march toward their goals
ignoring the chaff
and turning my eyes on my own actions
outside of myself
that i may make the harsh judgments
that others are too afraid to utter.
i will not sit idly by.
9.02.2009
following the idea.
i am imperfect. i am broken. i make mistakes... but i have an idea. an idea that is identical to another older idea. an idea that has been changed, morphed, and distorted over time by those that claim to hold the idea to be central to their lives. by those who call themselves by a moniker constructed from the name of the one who had the initial idea. this seems to repeat itself over and over, and so this idea, when presented again, shouldn't be focused on the person with the idea, but on following the original idea.
it can be seen looking through history that this idea has been revitalized by many other people who were drawn in their hearts and souls to the original idea after being marinated in a broken form of idea for so very long. when those people tried to refocus on the original idea, there were amazing sparks and growth and a common basic human understanding that they were *on to something*, and were often rewarded with rejection by those claiming ownership of the idea causing a breakaway of those that would follow the original idea. in the only way they knew how, the followers (those that tried to follow the person who revisited the original idea) tried to lay out rules and ways to follow that original idea. so in trying to follow the idea, within a few generations the idea was already obscured by the rules of those who wanted to make sure everyone could follow the idea.
you see, we all find the idea differently in our hearts, in our minds, and in our souls. we find each little piece of that idea permeating our daily lives and the world around us, guiding us. we don't look to a set of rules to guide our heart because our hearts are not guided by rules - they are the feelings that guide us outside of the logic. we can't leave out the logic to help filter out what really is following the idea from what just makes empty claims to be following the idea while putting it secondary to following the rules and needs of the group before tending to the idea when they can.
when the ideas are set aside to pursue the business and busy-ness of the ideas, the idea wilts with no care or love of companionship. generations go by with no significant visits to the idea as it begins to fade from view. politicians and pontiffs use partial views of the old idea to claim it for their own sad and failed political purposes, and make it even weaker. the idea becomes a motto or a tagline. we try to smother it away and make it our own.
but the idea is like a good weed, you can cut off the head but the root remains to grow up once again, you can pull the roots but not before the seed has been sown and the roots reconnect the idea to the world. there are those of us who are trying to embrace the old idea. we are at times considered heretics by those that claim to be the keepers of the idea, yet if they would check the dungeon cell where they kept the idea out of the light, they would see that it had left them some time ago.
i believe that it is often the case that those that claim the idea have so warped it as to make it unsavory to those with a taste for truth and light, to those who are able to see beyond the curtain and into the inner sanctum and the belly of what has become a beast. we live outside, we are called to live following the old idea. we correct ourselves when we fail instead embracing or shrugging off the failure. we are constantly changing and growing, because that's what the idea does to us. it can't be written in stone, it can only be written in the heart. it can't be marketed or sold out because it will disappear as quickly as it came when it is abused.
the idea is peace and love. the idea brings us closer to the connection. the idea can change the world, but the change and revolution comes from within each person - not by organizations or structures, or governments. those things want control, they crave self preservation and permanence. no structure can have permanence while at the same time embracing the idea.
the idea, for me, is exposed brilliantly in the teachings of a jewish son of a carpenter. some call him The Christ, some find it through buddhism, some islam, and there are a great many others. i do not consider myself a Christian, just a follower of the idea: arguments on the source of the idea, the birth of the idea, the method of the idea can be set aside as i feel it is a central idea from God. is some of it a leap? yes, but the more i observe of the world the less of a leap i find it to be, and more frequently the idea is what remains when all else is removed.
follow the idea. don't follow me, that would be a waste of your time and effort and the idea would quickly fade out. teach your children the idea, not your version of the idea, but let it grow and take root in their hearts. share the idea with your friends and neighbors, but do not force it upon them. you can no easier force the idea into a mind than you can simply stab a soft root into the dry ground. i beg those of you who think they are following the idea in larger groups to constantly review the idea and see if any "long range planning" really has the idea in the center. you see, the idea *is* long range planning. you don't need to build a vessel to carry it as no vessel can contain it. it would make as much sense to build a vessel to contain the seas and sky. once you have extracted them from where their environment they are of less use on their own, and their former environment lays wasted.
i don't ask anyone to follow the organized church, temple, et cetera. i think the more organized and focused on their own tradition the group, the farther it is from the idea. don't follow a person who claims to know the idea and professes the idea. find the idea yourself. journey with those around you to the idea. find it where it finds you. the idea is not a set of rules, it is a way to *be* and it requires you to be. know that anyone who claims to be teaching and following the idea and uses it to control others or encourage hatred in or of others is not following the idea.
i can think of no message i have written more important than this. i am not calling for a revolution in the meaning of overturning a thing that is in power just to create a new one. i am calling for an awakening, and if in that process those things that do not follow the idea fade away, so be it. i am not in the business of preserving my ideas or traditions, but one idea is greater than me and greater than us. if we can all find the idea where we are, we can all grow in a richness that is not defined by monetary or trading power, but in living power.
i've not drunk the "kool-aid", and i ask you to not drink it either.
lastly, i think each of us should "know thyself" and in that, not only know one's one self, but know for one's own self. the heart of the idea will never be transferred by writings and ramblings of humankind, the keys to it are spread throughout the living of a live unfettered by the rapid pursuit of the goals in a the race to the end. in order to understand "stop and smell the roses," you must stop from time to time and take them in. there are many writers who have touched on this far better than i believe i would be able to - Walden is an excellent example, and i need not reproduce that work.
i only ask that you try and find the idea. what it is to you, and how it really is. try not to trust those who claim to be professors of the idea with blind faith. no journey should be taken with all of the senses and observations cut off, so keep your mind engaged and live.
go in peace, and i hope this finds you well.
.jason
it can be seen looking through history that this idea has been revitalized by many other people who were drawn in their hearts and souls to the original idea after being marinated in a broken form of idea for so very long. when those people tried to refocus on the original idea, there were amazing sparks and growth and a common basic human understanding that they were *on to something*, and were often rewarded with rejection by those claiming ownership of the idea causing a breakaway of those that would follow the original idea. in the only way they knew how, the followers (those that tried to follow the person who revisited the original idea) tried to lay out rules and ways to follow that original idea. so in trying to follow the idea, within a few generations the idea was already obscured by the rules of those who wanted to make sure everyone could follow the idea.
you see, we all find the idea differently in our hearts, in our minds, and in our souls. we find each little piece of that idea permeating our daily lives and the world around us, guiding us. we don't look to a set of rules to guide our heart because our hearts are not guided by rules - they are the feelings that guide us outside of the logic. we can't leave out the logic to help filter out what really is following the idea from what just makes empty claims to be following the idea while putting it secondary to following the rules and needs of the group before tending to the idea when they can.
when the ideas are set aside to pursue the business and busy-ness of the ideas, the idea wilts with no care or love of companionship. generations go by with no significant visits to the idea as it begins to fade from view. politicians and pontiffs use partial views of the old idea to claim it for their own sad and failed political purposes, and make it even weaker. the idea becomes a motto or a tagline. we try to smother it away and make it our own.
but the idea is like a good weed, you can cut off the head but the root remains to grow up once again, you can pull the roots but not before the seed has been sown and the roots reconnect the idea to the world. there are those of us who are trying to embrace the old idea. we are at times considered heretics by those that claim to be the keepers of the idea, yet if they would check the dungeon cell where they kept the idea out of the light, they would see that it had left them some time ago.
i believe that it is often the case that those that claim the idea have so warped it as to make it unsavory to those with a taste for truth and light, to those who are able to see beyond the curtain and into the inner sanctum and the belly of what has become a beast. we live outside, we are called to live following the old idea. we correct ourselves when we fail instead embracing or shrugging off the failure. we are constantly changing and growing, because that's what the idea does to us. it can't be written in stone, it can only be written in the heart. it can't be marketed or sold out because it will disappear as quickly as it came when it is abused.
the idea is peace and love. the idea brings us closer to the connection. the idea can change the world, but the change and revolution comes from within each person - not by organizations or structures, or governments. those things want control, they crave self preservation and permanence. no structure can have permanence while at the same time embracing the idea.
the idea, for me, is exposed brilliantly in the teachings of a jewish son of a carpenter. some call him The Christ, some find it through buddhism, some islam, and there are a great many others. i do not consider myself a Christian, just a follower of the idea: arguments on the source of the idea, the birth of the idea, the method of the idea can be set aside as i feel it is a central idea from God. is some of it a leap? yes, but the more i observe of the world the less of a leap i find it to be, and more frequently the idea is what remains when all else is removed.
follow the idea. don't follow me, that would be a waste of your time and effort and the idea would quickly fade out. teach your children the idea, not your version of the idea, but let it grow and take root in their hearts. share the idea with your friends and neighbors, but do not force it upon them. you can no easier force the idea into a mind than you can simply stab a soft root into the dry ground. i beg those of you who think they are following the idea in larger groups to constantly review the idea and see if any "long range planning" really has the idea in the center. you see, the idea *is* long range planning. you don't need to build a vessel to carry it as no vessel can contain it. it would make as much sense to build a vessel to contain the seas and sky. once you have extracted them from where their environment they are of less use on their own, and their former environment lays wasted.
i don't ask anyone to follow the organized church, temple, et cetera. i think the more organized and focused on their own tradition the group, the farther it is from the idea. don't follow a person who claims to know the idea and professes the idea. find the idea yourself. journey with those around you to the idea. find it where it finds you. the idea is not a set of rules, it is a way to *be* and it requires you to be. know that anyone who claims to be teaching and following the idea and uses it to control others or encourage hatred in or of others is not following the idea.
i can think of no message i have written more important than this. i am not calling for a revolution in the meaning of overturning a thing that is in power just to create a new one. i am calling for an awakening, and if in that process those things that do not follow the idea fade away, so be it. i am not in the business of preserving my ideas or traditions, but one idea is greater than me and greater than us. if we can all find the idea where we are, we can all grow in a richness that is not defined by monetary or trading power, but in living power.
i've not drunk the "kool-aid", and i ask you to not drink it either.
lastly, i think each of us should "know thyself" and in that, not only know one's one self, but know for one's own self. the heart of the idea will never be transferred by writings and ramblings of humankind, the keys to it are spread throughout the living of a live unfettered by the rapid pursuit of the goals in a the race to the end. in order to understand "stop and smell the roses," you must stop from time to time and take them in. there are many writers who have touched on this far better than i believe i would be able to - Walden is an excellent example, and i need not reproduce that work.
i only ask that you try and find the idea. what it is to you, and how it really is. try not to trust those who claim to be professors of the idea with blind faith. no journey should be taken with all of the senses and observations cut off, so keep your mind engaged and live.
go in peace, and i hope this finds you well.
.jason
7.21.2009
essential pieces of a being...
i must write. it's not that i'll die if i don't, but i realize now more than ever (six months since the last blog post i wrote) that if i do not write - hi, by the way - i begin to lose part of who i am, part of what makes me me. i wrote a lot far before blogging was around, i wrote a lot before i was using a computer to do it, i even wrote using pencil and paper.
all of this to say that i need to stop neglecting this part of me, despite the current state of work and the current business of life, there is something in what makes me tick that requires me to put my ideas down, with or without a reading audience. not that i mind you reading or commenting, it's just that it's not an essential piece for me. i think that in moving my primary focus of writing to a blog, i was pulled toward that as a point of gravity in an otherwise quiet space. over the last year or so, i find myself with a rather restrictive place of employment, and a wonderful baby girl, the first of which i am required to tend to and the latter from which i would never want to take time away.
except in the middle of the night, the soul-wrenching screams in the middle of the night ... those can be a bit much, but i'm sure we'll work through that.
back to writing - the conveying of ideas on "paper" or static visible media - i find it really helps me think through things that swim through my head like so many fish gliding through water, avoiding capture until i really take the time to focus on one - holding it in place long enough to describe it (or attempt) and having that to go back to so that i may expand and explore those ideas further in the future, should it and the time have me as a companion.
that's the short short version of why i write. now a quick baby update. Caitlin is doing great, aside from some sleep malfunctions the last few nights - teething, anyone? - and Laura and i are adjusting more to our semi-gelatinous roles as mother and father, never ceasing to be amazed and amused at the rate babies grow while we spin in a blurred electron cloud around them trying to guide them into the world. head over to http://caitlin.totten.org if you want to see more about her - there are plenty of photos in the archive.
now, i'll get back to focusing on coding - and let you back to wherever you focus lies in waiting.
i hope this finds you well - and that we find one another more frequently in the years ahead.
.jason
all of this to say that i need to stop neglecting this part of me, despite the current state of work and the current business of life, there is something in what makes me tick that requires me to put my ideas down, with or without a reading audience. not that i mind you reading or commenting, it's just that it's not an essential piece for me. i think that in moving my primary focus of writing to a blog, i was pulled toward that as a point of gravity in an otherwise quiet space. over the last year or so, i find myself with a rather restrictive place of employment, and a wonderful baby girl, the first of which i am required to tend to and the latter from which i would never want to take time away.
except in the middle of the night, the soul-wrenching screams in the middle of the night ... those can be a bit much, but i'm sure we'll work through that.
back to writing - the conveying of ideas on "paper" or static visible media - i find it really helps me think through things that swim through my head like so many fish gliding through water, avoiding capture until i really take the time to focus on one - holding it in place long enough to describe it (or attempt) and having that to go back to so that i may expand and explore those ideas further in the future, should it and the time have me as a companion.
that's the short short version of why i write. now a quick baby update. Caitlin is doing great, aside from some sleep malfunctions the last few nights - teething, anyone? - and Laura and i are adjusting more to our semi-gelatinous roles as mother and father, never ceasing to be amazed and amused at the rate babies grow while we spin in a blurred electron cloud around them trying to guide them into the world. head over to http://caitlin.totten.org if you want to see more about her - there are plenty of photos in the archive.
now, i'll get back to focusing on coding - and let you back to wherever you focus lies in waiting.
i hope this finds you well - and that we find one another more frequently in the years ahead.
.jason
1.01.2009
on the ridiculous US economy, and why we need a reboot.
a quick recap of where we are - the economy is getting worse and should continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
why?
the media and those interviewed by the media seem to like to get hyper focused on each of the "many causes" of the current recession, from the housing bubble (caused by greedy companies, , greedy lenders, greedy builders, and ignorant greedy buyers), to the "credit crisis" which is no more a crisis than a "cookie crisis" would be for a spoiled child who's parents suddenly realize that they shouldn't give out cookies assuming future good behavior from the child. perhaps this comes into focus more for me now as i'm a new parent, or perhaps it's always been there and the new years day is calling it out of me. i really think that's where we are in general, at the point of a spoiled, ungrateful, selfish child who is suddenly called forward to be culpable when responsibility has not been encouraged and has even been discouraged at times by our lenders and our government.
the sad truth behind our economy is that it has been pushed by excess and overspending into the depths of our credit to the point of no return from the vacuous black hole at the bottom of the credit pit. no escape for the irresponsible, except for a financial bailout so large that if divided amongst the households in the country it could do more for the debt of the individuals than it will do for greedy corporate giants licking their self inflicted wounds. to put it simply, i would be the one who was in the wrong if i expected a child given quarters at an arcade to come out with any money left, and any thought of repaying me at any point in the future.
i don't spare those that are over their head in credit (house/card/otherwise) debt either, there's an old rule that used to work well : if you can't afford it, don't buy it. understandably, there are some larger purchases that make sense to take advantage of loans - homes, and a reasonable car for your income, but the rest is generally greed - wanting today that which you cannot afford, and therefore should not buy, but you get it anyway.
the worst part? our government craves it, needs it, for their greedy budgets and spending plans, for their pork-barrel spending, earmarks, and generally deceptive spending practices. it is as if being a good US citizen has been changed to balancing on the edge of credit despair, consuming as much as is possible, and in essence fulfilling the worst stereotypes made of us by those that scorn us from the other corners of the world, Muslim and otherwise.
we are a greedy nation filled with greedy corporations and greedy people. we do not deserve to be violently attacked for this, but we do deserve a great deal of the scorn that is pointed our way, if not more.
so what's my point in all of this? i guess that while i would never want a recession or depression, maybe it's the consequence of our actions, and quite possibly we should all began to behave as if we had some sense, and our government would starve a bit for a while and possibly get down to a reasonable appetite (doubt it, but there's always "HOPE for CHANGE," ... ha.) - overall, we must make a *real* change at some point, or i truly believe we are headed in the direction of every other gluttonous empire that has gone before us. as i've said before, i do not think that we can maintain our current course without incurring the self destruction so evident throughout history, and always appropriate. if we really believe in the ideals of our forefathers, we will put our nation back on course - it will be painful, but when the other option is dissolution, it seems to be the only prudent choice.
if only anyone who helped steer the ship actually paid enough attention to could get them all to pull in the same direction at once.
why?
the media and those interviewed by the media seem to like to get hyper focused on each of the "many causes" of the current recession, from the housing bubble (caused by greedy companies, , greedy lenders, greedy builders, and ignorant greedy buyers), to the "credit crisis" which is no more a crisis than a "cookie crisis" would be for a spoiled child who's parents suddenly realize that they shouldn't give out cookies assuming future good behavior from the child. perhaps this comes into focus more for me now as i'm a new parent, or perhaps it's always been there and the new years day is calling it out of me. i really think that's where we are in general, at the point of a spoiled, ungrateful, selfish child who is suddenly called forward to be culpable when responsibility has not been encouraged and has even been discouraged at times by our lenders and our government.
the sad truth behind our economy is that it has been pushed by excess and overspending into the depths of our credit to the point of no return from the vacuous black hole at the bottom of the credit pit. no escape for the irresponsible, except for a financial bailout so large that if divided amongst the households in the country it could do more for the debt of the individuals than it will do for greedy corporate giants licking their self inflicted wounds. to put it simply, i would be the one who was in the wrong if i expected a child given quarters at an arcade to come out with any money left, and any thought of repaying me at any point in the future.
i don't spare those that are over their head in credit (house/card/otherwise) debt either, there's an old rule that used to work well : if you can't afford it, don't buy it. understandably, there are some larger purchases that make sense to take advantage of loans - homes, and a reasonable car for your income, but the rest is generally greed - wanting today that which you cannot afford, and therefore should not buy, but you get it anyway.
the worst part? our government craves it, needs it, for their greedy budgets and spending plans, for their pork-barrel spending, earmarks, and generally deceptive spending practices. it is as if being a good US citizen has been changed to balancing on the edge of credit despair, consuming as much as is possible, and in essence fulfilling the worst stereotypes made of us by those that scorn us from the other corners of the world, Muslim and otherwise.
we are a greedy nation filled with greedy corporations and greedy people. we do not deserve to be violently attacked for this, but we do deserve a great deal of the scorn that is pointed our way, if not more.
so what's my point in all of this? i guess that while i would never want a recession or depression, maybe it's the consequence of our actions, and quite possibly we should all began to behave as if we had some sense, and our government would starve a bit for a while and possibly get down to a reasonable appetite (doubt it, but there's always "HOPE for CHANGE," ... ha.) - overall, we must make a *real* change at some point, or i truly believe we are headed in the direction of every other gluttonous empire that has gone before us. as i've said before, i do not think that we can maintain our current course without incurring the self destruction so evident throughout history, and always appropriate. if we really believe in the ideals of our forefathers, we will put our nation back on course - it will be painful, but when the other option is dissolution, it seems to be the only prudent choice.
if only anyone who helped steer the ship actually paid enough attention to could get them all to pull in the same direction at once.
12.15.2008
humor in history...
so, about twelve years ago at the university i was strolling through the library and happened across the "Annals of Congress" volume 2, 11th congress 1st and 2nd session 1809-10. h of r (house of representatives) and thumbed through where saturday the 14th of april caught my eye and this is what i read - remember this was in 1810, nearly two hundred years ago. the thought to keep in mind is how the parties accuse each other of our atrocious national debt in which they are both complicit and have been for more time than they would like you to know...
anyway, i just wanted to get that on line, it's part of a process of decluttering i'm going through, and i've been repacking that one for far too many years.
on other fronts, baby and mom are doing well, they are off trying to get to sleep now, and as i have work tomorrow i should join them. i wish you all a wonderful Christmas (or other holiday) and i'm off to finish sorting and get to bed.
i hope this finds you well -
.jason
i dug around on line and you can see the document for yourself, if you would like at http://memory.loc.gov/ll/llac/021/0200/02901855.tif ... apparently the House and Senate got over the "most awkward situation imaginable" quite some time ago, and haven't felt to poorly about it yet. i didn't dig farther than seeing that the question wasn't answered by the end of the night, but even if it didn't start there, it was probably not too long after.
"From the statement made by the Secretary of the Treasury, as far as I could understand it, it appears to me that if we succeed in reducing the Army and Navy, there would still be a deficiency in the revenue during the present year, amounting to one and a half or two millions; and that, should the expenses remain as they are now, there will be a deficiency of three millions. If this be the fact, and the deficiency is proposed to be met by a load, it is nothing but fair that we should at the same time provide the means of redeeming the loan at the expiration of that year, or of paying an amount of debt equal to it. If we go on in that way, so far as the operation of measures is to test the wisdom of those measures, it is presenting the question fairly and in the most unexceptionable point of view, and the people will be prepared to judge whether or not our measures are such as to require their opposition.
In discussing this question, we should bear in mind that although we determine to reduce the Army and Navy, it will require the concurrence of the other branch of the Government before a reduction can take place. If the question be postponed, Government will be placed in the most awkward situation imaginable; because it will have authorized expenses without providing the means to meet them. It has been shown to my satisfaction that the increase of duty proposed is not so great as to be detrimental to the revenue..."
anyway, i just wanted to get that on line, it's part of a process of decluttering i'm going through, and i've been repacking that one for far too many years.
on other fronts, baby and mom are doing well, they are off trying to get to sleep now, and as i have work tomorrow i should join them. i wish you all a wonderful Christmas (or other holiday) and i'm off to finish sorting and get to bed.
i hope this finds you well -
.jason
11.25.2008
on waiting.
so it's eleven twenty-one on the twenty-fifth of november, two thousand eight, and i find myself sitting in a hospital room while i should be sleeping, listening to the sound of my wife sleeping and the heartbeat of our baby that is being induced. it's amazing that time has moved from when we first saw the two lines on the stick, to now being a week overdue, but here we are.
i want to capture the change that happens when you become a parent somehow, but i know that it's an experience in and of itself that must be experienced to be understood, yet still, i am pulled to somehow tie it together.
i stood in the doorway of our house after loading up the car this evening with various paraphernalia (of the tech variety), too many changes of clothes, reading material, and all things required to bring a baby home. i stood there because i knew that i was taking my last look at the house with my life and eyes as they were. would it look different when i next saw it? will it? i don't know yet, but i feel the momentum of something like a steam powered locomotive coming round the bend and all i can do is stand in the tracks and wait for it to come.
you can always prepare rooms, bottles, beds, swings, bouncy seats, closets, lights, shelves, diapers - lots of diapers. you can read everything there is to read, yet i don't think there is really anything that can prepare you for that train.
time for us flows in one direction. i am a firm believer that life happens mainly in the moments that are different, that are beyond the normal, or that are normal and observed closely enough, yet each and every moment only happen once. memory is amazing, yet it is at times crude, and even a liar at others, unless you take the time to fix that memory in an image, in writing, in whatever way you can preserve it that you may use that to stimulate the true experience as you pass along that riverbank or sandbar that you will never really see again. i highly encourage the practice of recording memories manually in addition to whatever electronic, photochemical, or whatever means you choose - there is something in the very act that helps fix moments in your mind, before they drift off around the bend, one after another until you some become a blur, and others are lasting.
i "sterilized" the bottles and pacifiers today with Laura. i was absolutely amazed at how familiar the pacifiers smelled, and i'm sure that the most recent times i was around pacifiers enough to smell them is when i was four or five and my sister was using them... although i'm not too sure, but the smell was far more familiar to me than i would have expected it to be.
anyway, i ramble, of course that's what i do most of the time, but for now i think that it means i should try to get some rest. more medicine comes for La in fourty-five minutes, and then we might get a solid five to six hours of sleep depending on everything else. we'll see. but i know that by the time i go to bed tomorrow night, my life will have changed in ways that i can not even imagine.
i think i can feel the train in the tracks, and should divert my attention in that direction ...
i hope this finds you well -
.jason
i want to capture the change that happens when you become a parent somehow, but i know that it's an experience in and of itself that must be experienced to be understood, yet still, i am pulled to somehow tie it together.
i stood in the doorway of our house after loading up the car this evening with various paraphernalia (of the tech variety), too many changes of clothes, reading material, and all things required to bring a baby home. i stood there because i knew that i was taking my last look at the house with my life and eyes as they were. would it look different when i next saw it? will it? i don't know yet, but i feel the momentum of something like a steam powered locomotive coming round the bend and all i can do is stand in the tracks and wait for it to come.
you can always prepare rooms, bottles, beds, swings, bouncy seats, closets, lights, shelves, diapers - lots of diapers. you can read everything there is to read, yet i don't think there is really anything that can prepare you for that train.
time for us flows in one direction. i am a firm believer that life happens mainly in the moments that are different, that are beyond the normal, or that are normal and observed closely enough, yet each and every moment only happen once. memory is amazing, yet it is at times crude, and even a liar at others, unless you take the time to fix that memory in an image, in writing, in whatever way you can preserve it that you may use that to stimulate the true experience as you pass along that riverbank or sandbar that you will never really see again. i highly encourage the practice of recording memories manually in addition to whatever electronic, photochemical, or whatever means you choose - there is something in the very act that helps fix moments in your mind, before they drift off around the bend, one after another until you some become a blur, and others are lasting.
i "sterilized" the bottles and pacifiers today with Laura. i was absolutely amazed at how familiar the pacifiers smelled, and i'm sure that the most recent times i was around pacifiers enough to smell them is when i was four or five and my sister was using them... although i'm not too sure, but the smell was far more familiar to me than i would have expected it to be.
anyway, i ramble, of course that's what i do most of the time, but for now i think that it means i should try to get some rest. more medicine comes for La in fourty-five minutes, and then we might get a solid five to six hours of sleep depending on everything else. we'll see. but i know that by the time i go to bed tomorrow night, my life will have changed in ways that i can not even imagine.
i think i can feel the train in the tracks, and should divert my attention in that direction ...
i hope this finds you well -
.jason
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